Can’t love their parents

To start, answer this simple question. If your parents were ordinary people, not members of a family, for example, a work colleague, or neighbor in the apartment, we would support you with them a friendly, warm relationship? If YES, then quit, because this article is not for you. If not, and back to ask me: – if you can’t love your parents, whether you WANT them to love? If you want to love, but can’t, then I ask you – why do you need to love them? Yes, for what?

Maybe for what you NEED them to love? But if so, who needs? If you are, then WHY NEED to love someone? Maybe because it made? But by WHOM TAKEN? WHO IS THIS “SOMEONE”? Can a society? If so, remember at least five people approving it. Personally I can’t think of one person. If you still find five people, it is definitely not the company, for a total of five people.

The fifth commandment of Moses: “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee”, says it is about the respect for parents that can be regarded by people as, “love your parents”, and to form public opinion. If so, then love and respect, not quite the same concept. For example, I can respect, but not love. But, if I love, and respect at the same time.

Internal conflict occurs when a person is between NEED and WANT (or Vice versa). So you can walk to the craziness, neurosis.

It happened three years ago, and maybe all four. One group that I studied, there was a girl. Her relationship with her mother was very bad. Long she tried to establish them, but to no avail. The feeling was that she was on the verge of despair over the fact that there is no strength and opportunity to fix things in the relationship. To love – did not, leaving her completely – impossible. Why? It had its reasons. Then, our coach said to her: “we don’t have to love our parents”. The feeling appeared personally at me, like he’s not allowed to love someone and not love. Me, to put it mildly, impressed. As he said then to me this girl, after the words of the coach, she has become much easier.

Another girl had a conversation a couple of days ago, and that was the interest in writing this article. She told me about the fact that if her mother wasn’t her, she never with her would not have supported any friendships. I think very honestly and directly, which can not but arouse sympathy, for all that, externally, their relationship is very warm.

Dear reader, do not misunderstand. I’m not enticed into not loving parents, relatives, brothers and sisters. Rather, I want to share my idea that if there is no love for the other person, and to torment yourself like this, little useful exercise. (Article 29, paragraph 1 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation “the constitutional rights of freedom of speech”, I would add personally is still “the constitutional rights of freedom of the senses”, i.e. a person has the right to test or not to test different kind of feelings).

It is clear that the inability or non-desire to love a parent, brother, sister, actually hides a lot of sadness about it. And sadness refers to the fact that life, relationships with relatives has developed in such a way that the feeling of love arises. And, for good reason.

Every person who contacts me for advice, to one degree or another says about parents. Sometimes, the influence of parents formed on the problem the client is so large that you have to pay close attention to parent-child relationships. Of course, the themes are very different, but I learned the next point: to the one who managed to solve many interpersonal issues with their parents – didn’t start to love them, but the relationship became a bit easier, lighter, warmer. Some things just improve. And, as I understand it, is so very much.

Remember – dancing tango two! What you are doing, that is not love your parents? If anyone doesn’t understand is the question of responsibility in the relationship. And, the second question is what you want, when you can’t love? This question is about needs. I often wrote in their articles that behind every feeling and action is the need, now, to the topic, it is also of great importance.

My colleague Vyacheslav Gusev on some group exercise in which all words and thoughts are translated into the wording of the full responsibility: I hurt myself with the help of another person, I’ve angered myself with the help of a man, etc. the fact is that in ordinary life people are so shifted in the position of victims that exercise levels the situation a bit.

This responsibility gives an amazing feeling of calmness and returns a choice. Moreover, it allows one to understand the need that is behind it.


At the morning session the participant in his seminar group told that the previous night, as usual (the usual affect. ), began to quarrel with her mother, but remembered about this exercise. “I annoy myself with the help of his mother? Is this what I want? But what I really want? I need her support, she seems to need my. What if I just talk to her about it?” She, to his surprise, held instead a quarrel surprisingly warm conversation with his mother.

I think I wrote more than I planned, but as the letters appear all the new thoughts that deserve attention. And the next thing I want to write is the fact that parents always love their children than Vice versa. I thought long and hard about this phenomenon, and I can only think of the argument that for a full life the child needs parental care and love, while for full-fledged life of a child, the love of parents is not as important. Yes, in this case, he is selfish, and this is the norm.

Still, I think, the weaker the love or lack of parents, helps your child easier to isolate from the parents when they grow up. In psychology this phenomenon is called a separation. His offense is often the cause of many interpersonal problems, including the formation of a love addiction .

I suspect that I am somewhat puzzled parents in their article. But, if really so, and you are in complete disarray, we answer one simple question: – who do you love more: your child, or your parents? ‘m pretty sure the answer is obvious, and again – this is normal, and that the father loves his children than his wife, and the wife loves her children than her husband. But, that’s another little issue.

I want to go back to what I mentioned: “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee” (the Fifth commandment of Moses).


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